Jokes and other funny episodes

Barack and Michelle are at the baseball game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind them. One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and
says something to the President. Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head. The agent then says
"Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor, and the fans will love it!"

So, Barack shrugs and says "Well, if it will help my poll numbers." He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, screaming & swearing. The crowd goes wild; cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack
asks what was wrong.

The agent replies: "Sir, I said, they want you
to throw out the first PITCH!!!"

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that, " said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

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Once in a quizshow. There were an Australian and a priest competing against each other. Their scores were equal, so they had to create a verse about "Timbuktu".
The priest began:
"I was a father, all my life,
had no children, had no wife.
I read the Bible, through and through.
On my way to Timbuktu."
Then the Australian told his version:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
we met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
so I booked one and Tim booked two!"

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One American guy traveled to China on a trip. He got on a bus, and sat right behind the driver. There was too much traffic.
The man said : "Man why is there too much people !"
The bus driver said :" You right , in china , evere minute there is a child born."
The man said: "See that's what makes americans better , because in america every 9 months there is a child born!"

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And last, but not least... ROFLx

Merry Christmas

When the snow falls wunderbar
and the children happy are,
when the Glatteis on the street,
and we all a Glühwein need,
then you know, es ist soweit:
She is here, the Weihnachtszeit
every Parkhaus is besetzt,
weil die people fahren jetzt
all to Kaufhof, Mediamarkt,
kriegen nearly Herzinfarkt.
shopping hirnverbrannte things
and the Christmasglocke rings.
Mother in the kitchen bakes
Schoko-, Nuss- and Mandelkeks
Daddy in the Nebenraum
schmückt a Riesen-Weihnachtsbaum
he is hanging off the balls,
then he from the Leiter falls...
finally the Kinderlein
to the Zimmer kommen rein
and it sings the family
schauerlich: "Oh, Christmastree!"
and the jeder in the house
is packing the Geschenke aus.
Mama finds unter the Tanne
eine brandnew Teflon-Pfanne,
Papa gets a Schlips and Socken,
everybody does frohlocken.
President speaks in TV,
all around is Harmonie,
Bis mother in the kitchen runs:
im Ofen burns the Weihnachtsgans.
and so comes die Feuerwehr
with Tatü, tata daher,
and they bring a long, long Schlauch
and a long, long Leiter auch.
and they schrei - "Wasser marsch!",
Christmas now is in the A...
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
hear the music, see the lights,
Frohe Weihnacht, Frohe Weihnacht,
Merry Christmas allerseits...